Memory Lane

Memories I wish I could rewind

I remember the day I got my first dog. I remember her soft dark fur that fit in the palm of my hand. I remember thinking how amazing it was to love something that much that was so small.

I remember the old VCR and our Disney movie collection in the Cabinet that smelled of old wood. I remember laying on the ground with a pillow as the TV blared "And Now Our Feature Presentation.."

I remember the day Makayla and I wanted to be gorillas. It had just rained and we were sitting on the curb outside my house, mud was between our toes. I remember rubbing the mud all over our arms and legs and faces. Mostly I remember my moms face when she saw what we had done. 

I remember my moms wedding. I remember crying when I saw how beautiful she looked in her dress. That day I got dance with my new dad. the song was Hearts Content by Brandi Carlisle. I had dreamed of that moment for a long time. 

I remember watching Friday Night Lights every night with my mom. It used to be girls night every night at our house. I would make chocolate chip cookies, and pour us both big glasses of Diet Coke and we would sit and watch, and talk about how hot Tim Riggins was. I remember this being my favorite part of the day.

I remember my first crush Dalton Williams. It was preschool, he had the biggest brown eyes and curly dark hair. I remember he took me and MaKayla behind the cubbies and kissed us on the cheeks. I remember giggling.

I remember his hazel eyes, and how much I wanted them to look at me. He was 2 years older than me, and Makayla's brother and I didn't care. I remember the late nights on the tramp together and freezing to death during basketball games we played in the winter.

I remember the One Direction concert. our seats were 5 feet away from them, almost close enough to touch. I remember crying during their last song as confetti fell down onto our hair. That moment, I felt invincible.

I remember my 50 stuffed animal puppies. I remember earning $10 to go the the store and get a new friend to my collection. My first one I  bought was brown, and I named him kiss. I can still remember most of their names because I always named them after food.

I remember the smell of Hawaii whenever I step off the plane. Its wet, and dense. Perfume companies still haven't captured just how tropical and good Hawaii smells.

Memories I wish I could Erase

I remember opening the letter that was addressed to my mom. I remember the first 3 words I read. "His Pornography Addiction."

I remember my mom walking in the house with my dogs limp body in her arms. I remember what it felt like to have your heart sink.

I remember the text I got from him on the way home from Piano Lessons. "Macie, You're a great girl, but I will never see you more than just a friend." I remember never crying over a boy as hard as I did that day.

I remember hearing that huge fight though the walls. When I walked up the stairs I remember the sound the engagement ring made as it hit the floor. *Clink Clink*

I remember that night like It was yesterday. It was 2 In the morning, and I was 6 years old. I remember the phone call, the one that made my mom make a cry that sent chills up my arms over two words, "He's dead." 

I remember the last night before MaKayla moved to Nebraska. We stood in the doorway for half an hour and cried as we hugged each other tightly, too afraid to let go.

I remember getting caught in the wave in Hawaii. I remember trying so hard to breathe, and being so scared that I would never get air. I remember my lungs and mouth burning with salt water.

I remember when gauchos were a thing. oh hell.


As much as I wish I could erase some of these memories, they are a part of me. I wouldn't be me without them. We're all unique not because of what we do, not because of what we like, or what we dislike. Were all unique because we all have different memories. 
  

Love Is For the Thrill Seekers

walking with my hands in pockets

raindrops fall lightly on my face,

creating freckles on my cheeks.

looking at the hazy grey sky,

Thinking love is for the thrill seekers. 

and the fact that roller coasters scare me.

So really I should be afraid of you.

I should be afraid of sleepless nights.

of mascara lines drawn down in patterns.

and broken hearts that forgot how to beat

I should be afraid of the rain

that lingers in someones mind.

after a unexpected last kiss.

they can still feel on their lips.

 I should be afraid of you.

because I'm not a thrill seeker.

and there's something about the way

the rain makes me not so afraid

but when it comes to love,

I'm standing here fearless.

ready to fall into a hazy sky

that's path is unknown.

When it comes to love

I'm ready to walk a tightrope

with my heart on my sleeve.

To get me across to you.

 and when I finally meet you,

You'll laugh and smile at the fact

that I'm terrified of roller coasters.

and I'll smile and laugh with you.

I will tell you that though I am,

when it comes to falling for you

I will ignore every caution sign, 

and bravely fall into the unknown.

into that hazy grey sky.

Because our love will be worth fear.

What Makes a Great kiss

Great Hollywood Kisses

 10.      Divergent

"I want to be more than just one thing."

9. Titanic

 This is just too classic not to like.

 8. While You Were Sleeping

This goes out to my favorite movie. If you havent
seen it yet you are missing out.

7. Pirates Of The Caribbean 3:At Worlds End

They are in mid battle, people are dying, bombs are going off and
they are making out. Beautiful.

6.One Tree Hill

 This show has some of the best kisses. I couldnt resist.

They just had a Cookie Dough fight, its all over their hair,
and on their clothes but nothing is sweeter than this kiss.

5. Disney Kisses 

We all dream of that "Happily Ever After Kiss"

5. Cinderella Story

This gave us all unrealistic expectations of High School
Football games.

4. The Lucky One

"
She is "The Lucky One" if she gets to kiss Zac Efron
and get this speech given to her.

3. Safe Haven

I probably push the rewind button 10 times when I
watch this.

2.New Girl

Any girl that says she doesnt want a kiss like this is a
liar.

1. Breakfast At Tiffany's

The first rain kiss that started it all.


 Dear Boys:

These Instructions are for YOU.

How To have a great kiss.

you want to know what makes a great kiss? If you were planning on the doorstep scene your doing it wrong.

Not that those aren't nice. 

but what made these Hollywood kisses so memorable?

They weren't expected.
 
But the greatest kisses are the unexpected ones. The ones in the pouring rain. The ones when you're covered in cookie dough, the ones that accidentally explored over the line of friendship. Its the kisses that happen in the middle of a fight.The best kisses are the ones that keep us on our toes. The ones you don't spend the entire date thinking about, popping in breath mints "just in case."

Great kisses are something we all want. I just hope mine are memorable.

My Real Image

What's my image?
You knew me as Macie Gillman.
as the quiet girl in most classes.
You might have known me though Makayla Waters.
(The Best Friend that always has been.)

Than I started to write blog posts.
You might have learned how I feel about being human.
How I feel about the word "Just Friends."
The things I wonder about.
What inspires me.

Now we have all been exposed.

Now its not just Pen names with unknown hearts.

Now we have people to associate the hearts with.

we all know a little deeper into each-others hearts.
I now know a little bit more about
how Sarah Matthews feels about losing her dad.
how Braden Harris feels about his Coach.
about How Trevor Elzey feels under a mask.
How Austin Garrett relates love to holding hands
How Makayla Waters wishes of being more than a farmers daughter.

Suddenly the images we originally created
The walls we put up
the pen names we hid behind

 are gone.

I'm not JUST the shy girl
That sits at the back of the room.

 Suddenly, You aren't just the class clown. The jock. The Hipster. The Molly Mormon

These blogs are like starting College.
They give us a chance to start over. 
To create the image of who we really are. 

So here's to new beginnings.
You now know my name.
You know pieces of my heart.
It's time I let you know more about my real image.

1. Im Macie L'aine Gillman, I prefer the last name of Staheli which is my moms maiden name. Macie L'aine Staheli.

2. I don't have a great relationship with my real father. But its getting better. Ive spent many days and nights wishing I had what a lot of you have, a dad to dance with at my wedding, a dad to tell me any boy would be lucky to date me. My mom got married last year, and I finally got a dad.

3. I kickbox 

4. I would rather put my headphones in and blast music as I walk from class to class than socialize with people in the halls. 

5. Ive liked the same guy since 6th grade. and trust me, it hurts like hell.

6.  I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I don't get why I should have to pretend to be something that I'm not. If I'm not happy, I'm not about to act happy.

7. I'm afraid of everything except commitment. Love doesn't scare me.

8. The list of children's movies that Ive embarrassingly cried in is getting ridiculous: Bolt, Scooby Doo, The Land Before Time, Brother Bear, Tarzan, Lion King ( Duh), Beauty in the Beast, Fox and the Hound, etc.

9. List of LP guys I think are hot: Seth Hanneman (Duh) , Peyton Gerber, Tyler Ewell, Jared Collins, Zach Frampton, Kash Tollis, etc. ( Yeah whatever we're graduating in a month)

Now you know deeper into my heart. You know my real image. 

I expect you to keep showing yours.

Full of secrets

Full of secrets

You thought these four walls held my secrets. darling, you underestimated me. I put white sheets over them, just in case you broke my walls. Good Luck trying to uncover them.

You made me fall in love.

Dear Untitled Love Poem -

I didn't find you. You found me. I wasn't looking for you. But you appeared anyway. You were stuffed in a shelf of books In his room. Your cover was beautiful and it read "Speak for yourself." I was a TA for him, and with nothing to do, I was intrigued by your cover, and what secrets you might hold.  You're the Love Poem I flipped to. I immediately fell in love with you. I fell in love with the way your words created images. I fell in love with the way you made me feel. After I read the last sentence...your last secret, I shut the book and slammed it on the table. Now you made me jealous. You made me jealous of how beautiful you are. Of the way you seductively made me want to write something as beautiful as you. You were the love poem that motivated me to write. Whether out of jealousy or love though, I don't know which.

We're all good Actors

I used to think actors in the movies were so amazing. They would have a scene where they had to show such emotion-- such sadness. I was amazed the actors could make it look so real; the way they cried, the way that they had to pretend they had just lost something or someone. I used to think this would be so hard to do, especially because they hadn't lost at all.

 I still think it would be hard to fake sadness and fake it well. But now I believe it's harder to act happy when you aren't. People do this everyday. Our world is filled with the best actors. People have gotten good at painting smiles on their faces and making other people believe they are happy; that their life is everything they want it to be. That's their script. And they play their roll well.

I think of my mom, who worked 12 hours in one day this week. I can only imagine how stressed she must of been, how tired she was.  But she came home with a smile on her face.  I wonder how real that smile was.

I think of the girl who walks in the door of her house, tear stains of smeared mascara on her sleeve. Her parents ask how her day was at school. She answers, "Great" as she hides her sleeves in her pockets. She doesn't want them to worry.

I think of the boy who struggles but doesn't want to talk to anyone about it because he thinks it makes him less of a man. He plays his sport, he jokes with his football buddies, he's gotten really good at fake laughing.

I think of the girl in love who sits across the table from him. She listens to him tell her about the girl he kissed last weekend. Her face is in a soft smile. She has excitement in her voice as she tells him, "I'm happy for you!".  Little does he know her heart is beating painfully.
 

 I wonder why we act.Why is it we are so afraid of anyone knowing that we didn't get the guy, or that we lost a friend,that we are tired, that are bones hurt or that frankly we just hurt? Why do we hide the things that make us human? doesn't being human mean feeling all emotions at times? So why are only some emotions socially acceptable?

I guess that's another part of being human. We usually only do what's socially acceptable: Smile, laugh, say everything is great. If we want to fit into the social norm that roll works. But we lose something valuable when we hide how we truly feel.We lose the ability to connect with people on a deeper level with a full range of human emotion. Speaking for myself I want to see your heart break, and share mine. I want to hear about it when your dreams die. Scream with you when your anger balls your fists. Cry with you when you cant take it anymore. And I need you there for mine.