Saving You

"Its the artists that save people."
those words have been glued to me.
replaying in my mind constantly,
like a never ending reel tape.

I ignore it. Ive got finals tomorrow.

"Its the artists that save people."
my heart answers me again.
its voice has an edge to it
its wanting me to do more than just listen.

"To bad I have an F in math" I tell it.

"Its the artists that save people."
my eyes tell me to look at the sky.
They work hard in search of color
beautiful enough to paint a soul.

I argue. "I have an 8 hour shift to get through."

"Its the artists that save people."
my hands try telling me as they dance
to the rhythm of piano keys
chasing for a broken heart.

I try again. "But I only got 4 hours of sleep last night!"

"Its the artists that save people."
my brain tells me to write.
It flips through pages of words
worthy enough to find the lost.

 I place my hands up in surrender.

my hands dance, and my eyes search.

yet, I still haven't found a way to save you.

I haven't found the right shade of blue
To add to your empty canvas.
My fingers haven't found the melody
that your heart will want to sing to.

I certainly haven't found those words;
the ones that will talk you off the ledge.

but none the less, I write. I paint. I create a melody.

I'm failing math, I have finals to pass, I'm running on little sleep.

yet still I make art, hoping one day
to create something that saves you.

My Heart Was Set On Paris

They told me the flight was booked.
There were no more available tickets to Paris.
instead they suggested a less popular destination.
An English class that compared to Idaho

however, my heart was set on Paris.

For weeks I prayed for an empty seat.
That someone would cancel last minute.
All I could do was hope for a tourist.
they didn't want Paris like I did.

It finally happened one day.
when a seat became available.
I grabbed my new notebook
and rushed to the catch the plane.

I toured the Eiffel tower of being human
and walked the halls of  fear in Notre Dame
I saw the Mona Lisa and learned about creativity
and leaned about risks as I tried an Eclair for the first time.

My tour guide taught from his heart.
I knew he had fallen in love with Paris.

 I knew I wouldn't really arrive in Paris until I fell in love like that.

So, I fell in love with Coffee shops of inspiration
and the language spoken so beautifully in poems.
I fell in love with the people and their stories they told
and the rainy streets I walked through to find myself.

I fell in love with the flag that stood for freedom of words.

I fell in love with the music that played
And the honest hearts I could hear
beating to the rhythm as they wrote.


Ive fallen in love. And It's a place I now call home.

I haven't boarded the plane to go back yet. And I'm already homesick.

A Letter to You One Day

I haven't met you yet. I haven't even met your dad yet. I haven't gotten to hear your heartbeat through an ultra sound. I haven't gotten to see your perfect faces for the first time, or hear your first word, or watch your first step yet. I haven't had sleepless nights with you when you're sick. I haven't watched you grow up, or seen you smile, or even know what color your eyes are.

But I know I already love you.

I know I'm going to love you with all my heart.  I think about you a lot. I think of your names, conversations were going to have, lessons your dad and I are going to teach you, and memories we're going to make together.

I may not know you yet. But I already wish the best for you. 

I hope when you're here you laugh a lot.

I hope you consider your dad your hero.

I hope you like good music. and not just a certain type just because its popular. I also hope you like Bryan Adams because he will be playing a lot in our house.

I hope you call me your best friend.I hope you have the relationship with me that I do with my mom,and you talk to me about everything but especially about boys (or girls), and first kisses, and falling in love. 

I hope you learn how to play sports from your dad. Because I wont have the first clue how to teach you.

I hope you're not afraid to be yourself. Because being different is so much more interesting. 

If you're a boy, I hope you learn from my fathers mistake that pornography tears families apart. I also hope you know if you don't I will still love you and help you in anyway I can.

I hope you're not too afraid of getting your hair wet to go out and dance in the rain. (You'll hear that phrase a lot)

I hope you'll let me buy you ice cream when your heart gets 
broken.

I hope you have a MaKayla in your life. A best friend that will never let you down. I hope you get as hyper and weird as we get during sleepovers.

I hope you like puppies. Because our house wont ever be without one. I hope you don't ever want a cat. 

If your a girl, I hope your dad teaches you how to dance. And you get to to dance with him at your wedding. 

I hope you say "I Love You"  multiple times a day. 

I hope you know that sometimes boys are clueless in High school.
 
I hope you know how to work technology. I hope you're not frustrated that I'm going to be one of THOSE moms who can't work the TV.

 I hope that you're happy. And that when there are hard days you remember that it does end.  I hope you look for beauty everyday. I hope you have faith.

I haven't met you. But I know I love you. And mostly I hope you you believe that with all your heart.


Im excited to meet you one day. 

                 Love, Future Mom

Memory Lane

Memories I wish I could rewind

I remember the day I got my first dog. I remember her soft dark fur that fit in the palm of my hand. I remember thinking how amazing it was to love something that much that was so small.

I remember the old VCR and our Disney movie collection in the Cabinet that smelled of old wood. I remember laying on the ground with a pillow as the TV blared "And Now Our Feature Presentation.."

I remember the day Makayla and I wanted to be gorillas. It had just rained and we were sitting on the curb outside my house, mud was between our toes. I remember rubbing the mud all over our arms and legs and faces. Mostly I remember my moms face when she saw what we had done. 

I remember my moms wedding. I remember crying when I saw how beautiful she looked in her dress. That day I got dance with my new dad. the song was Hearts Content by Brandi Carlisle. I had dreamed of that moment for a long time. 

I remember watching Friday Night Lights every night with my mom. It used to be girls night every night at our house. I would make chocolate chip cookies, and pour us both big glasses of Diet Coke and we would sit and watch, and talk about how hot Tim Riggins was. I remember this being my favorite part of the day.

I remember my first crush Dalton Williams. It was preschool, he had the biggest brown eyes and curly dark hair. I remember he took me and MaKayla behind the cubbies and kissed us on the cheeks. I remember giggling.

I remember his hazel eyes, and how much I wanted them to look at me. He was 2 years older than me, and Makayla's brother and I didn't care. I remember the late nights on the tramp together and freezing to death during basketball games we played in the winter.

I remember the One Direction concert. our seats were 5 feet away from them, almost close enough to touch. I remember crying during their last song as confetti fell down onto our hair. That moment, I felt invincible.

I remember my 50 stuffed animal puppies. I remember earning $10 to go the the store and get a new friend to my collection. My first one I  bought was brown, and I named him kiss. I can still remember most of their names because I always named them after food.

I remember the smell of Hawaii whenever I step off the plane. Its wet, and dense. Perfume companies still haven't captured just how tropical and good Hawaii smells.

Memories I wish I could Erase

I remember opening the letter that was addressed to my mom. I remember the first 3 words I read. "His Pornography Addiction."

I remember my mom walking in the house with my dogs limp body in her arms. I remember what it felt like to have your heart sink.

I remember the text I got from him on the way home from Piano Lessons. "Macie, You're a great girl, but I will never see you more than just a friend." I remember never crying over a boy as hard as I did that day.

I remember hearing that huge fight though the walls. When I walked up the stairs I remember the sound the engagement ring made as it hit the floor. *Clink Clink*

I remember that night like It was yesterday. It was 2 In the morning, and I was 6 years old. I remember the phone call, the one that made my mom make a cry that sent chills up my arms over two words, "He's dead." 

I remember the last night before MaKayla moved to Nebraska. We stood in the doorway for half an hour and cried as we hugged each other tightly, too afraid to let go.

I remember getting caught in the wave in Hawaii. I remember trying so hard to breathe, and being so scared that I would never get air. I remember my lungs and mouth burning with salt water.

I remember when gauchos were a thing. oh hell.


As much as I wish I could erase some of these memories, they are a part of me. I wouldn't be me without them. We're all unique not because of what we do, not because of what we like, or what we dislike. Were all unique because we all have different memories. 
  

Love Is For the Thrill Seekers

walking with my hands in pockets

raindrops fall lightly on my face,

creating freckles on my cheeks.

looking at the hazy grey sky,

Thinking love is for the thrill seekers. 

and the fact that roller coasters scare me.

So really I should be afraid of you.

I should be afraid of sleepless nights.

of mascara lines drawn down in patterns.

and broken hearts that forgot how to beat

I should be afraid of the rain

that lingers in someones mind.

after a unexpected last kiss.

they can still feel on their lips.

 I should be afraid of you.

because I'm not a thrill seeker.

and there's something about the way

the rain makes me not so afraid

but when it comes to love,

I'm standing here fearless.

ready to fall into a hazy sky

that's path is unknown.

When it comes to love

I'm ready to walk a tightrope

with my heart on my sleeve.

To get me across to you.

 and when I finally meet you,

You'll laugh and smile at the fact

that I'm terrified of roller coasters.

and I'll smile and laugh with you.

I will tell you that though I am,

when it comes to falling for you

I will ignore every caution sign, 

and bravely fall into the unknown.

into that hazy grey sky.

Because our love will be worth fear.