The Unexpected Fear

I have a lot of fears. Fears of Needles, of roller coasters, of speaking in public, of being alone forever, of my dog getting hit by a car, of change, of car accidents. These fears are familiar to me. Ive accepted them. Ive accepted the fact I might not ever like roller coasters, or that public speaking will never get easier. 

Since Ive been in creative writing however, I never expected I would be afraid of this. Of  being afraid to write. My whole life Ive thought Ive been a good writer. My mom told me I am. ( isn't that their job?)I've won writing contests in English classes, My friends like to read the things I write. Ive never had a reason to be scared of writing, until now.I  don't know if I can accept this fear.

The truth is, I'm scared of you. Yes you. I'm scared of Jackie 0. I'm scared of Lost and Found. Of June Carter. Of Peter Mckeller. Of Emma Kay. ( If I didn't mention you, I'm probably still scared of you too)
I read your blogs, and they are so beautiful. You have such a way with words...With creating images, with making people feel something. I read them and I want to be you. I want to inspire people like you do. I want to make people cry, make them laugh, make them smile like you do. 

You probably didn't know my dream was to be a creative writing teacher when I get out of college. I was so confident in what I write, and now suddenly I question every line, every word choice, and every title. I'm scared my dream isn't realistic. I'm scared that my writing isn't "worthy" enough to be a considered creative writing teacher one day. 

Don't get me wrong Nelson, I love this class. But I can't tell you how terrified I am of it. I'm terrified you don't approve of my blog. I'm scared you read the line about my dream, and laughed. I'm scared I wont get over my fear of writing. 

Then again, maybe fear isn't such a bad thing. Maybe its good I'm scared. Maybe for the first time, I feel challenged and I have take my writing into bigger depths. Maybe being afraid makes me a better writer. Nobody said fear was bad. I guess its what you do with that fear. Whether we let that fear take over us and give up, or  we use that fear to do something great.